Fuck Christmas

It seems like I (and the I is bold, underlined and it stands out) can't do shit right. I fuck everything up. I'm a fuck up. Isn't it nice to be told specially by your parent that you are a fuck up. Make you really think highly of yourself huh? So My brother and his girl friend come over and he's like come into the living room we are fixing to do Christmas. My question is why involve me when for the last 2 years we haven't done christmas as a family. I tell them Im not trying to be mean I just don't want to be apart of it. SO then my dad comes in and tells me I have to be apart of it or else im going to be dragged in by my hair. I decided to go in there. But first I went to the bathroom pulled my hair back and wipped my face. When I went into the living room my dad had already opened the presents. I'm thinking...you threaten meto be in here but yet you can't wait for me to be in there when you open the presents I give you. My dad was like you can sit down. I told him I really would like to stand I don't want to sit down. Then Chris pops off yours is on the tree you can get it when you get out of you shitty mood or something. I was like you don't have to instagate shit like you always do when you come over. My dad was like just go back into your room I'm not going through what we did earlier. So I turned around put my shoes and coat on and left for like 10 minutes. I know they were talking about me. Like always You know no one every ask me....Hey cari how are you? No one ever listens to what I have to say around here. Or ask me if I have plans cause theres another event thats being plan and they need to work around my schedule so I can be apart of it. It's funny how If I plan something and I'm like Sat at 4 be at so in so....I get told Oh hell no thats no good. Natalie can't be there, or chris cant make it or some shit. But the moment Chris deals with it its golden, perfect. Everyone like oh thats great. It just hurts that every day that goes by and every year that passes I get pushed away. My brother starts shit everytime he's over here with me and my dad so he can be the fucking perfect child. Then my dad pushes me away by telling me im ungratful, shitty, a brat, lazy, no good, useless and im sure other things. I bet if I could record my life that with in a week I'm told 6 our of 7 days Im basically Im useless. I never get a damn chance to say thank you for anything. By the time I get something Im being yelled at in the same moment for something else. You know I thought today I have 2 medicines I could take all the pills and drink all the liquid med. and show my dad how useless I am. How much shit I don't do. I prayed to God to rescue me from this pain. But then I thought I was taught love god and all this stuff and when you pray good things will come to you. Whats funny is I spent 8 years or so of my life to god...Tell me what good came out of it. I want to know why if there is a god am I being punished? What did I do? Why is this my life? I can't handle it anymore. I can't take it. Its to the point where I'm going to call Shiana and see if she can come get me and I'm going to move to Corpus with her. Thats like 6 or 7 hrs from here. I wouldn't have to worry with seeing my dad anymore cause I would be kicked out of the family and never allowed near this house again. And still though my dad says all the hateful things he does I love him. Though we never show it. I just can't take this anymore. I can feel my heart and it hurts. It wearing down and is about to give it up just as I am. I need help and and the one person today I wanted to listen to me (renee) laughed and was like I guess. I fucking listen to her give her advise and she laughs at me and says I guess....well fuck u too. Im gonna go I can't take this anymore. Maybe I'll be back to write.