Fuck Christmas

It seems like I (and the I is bold, underlined and it stands out) can't do shit right. I fuck everything up. I'm a fuck up. Isn't it nice to be told specially by your parent that you are a fuck up. Make you really think highly of yourself huh? So My brother and his girl friend come over and he's like come into the living room we are fixing to do Christmas. My question is why involve me when for the last 2 years we haven't done christmas as a family. I tell them Im not trying to be mean I just don't want to be apart of it. SO then my dad comes in and tells me I have to be apart of it or else im going to be dragged in by my hair. I decided to go in there. But first I went to the bathroom pulled my hair back and wipped my face. When I went into the living room my dad had already opened the presents. I'm thinking...you threaten meto be in here but yet you can't wait for me to be in there when you open the presents I give you. My dad was like you can sit down. I told him I really would like to stand I don't want to sit down. Then Chris pops off yours is on the tree you can get it when you get out of you shitty mood or something. I was like you don't have to instagate shit like you always do when you come over. My dad was like just go back into your room I'm not going through what we did earlier. So I turned around put my shoes and coat on and left for like 10 minutes. I know they were talking about me. Like always You know no one every ask me....Hey cari how are you? No one ever listens to what I have to say around here. Or ask me if I have plans cause theres another event thats being plan and they need to work around my schedule so I can be apart of it. It's funny how If I plan something and I'm like Sat at 4 be at so in so....I get told Oh hell no thats no good. Natalie can't be there, or chris cant make it or some shit. But the moment Chris deals with it its golden, perfect. Everyone like oh thats great. It just hurts that every day that goes by and every year that passes I get pushed away. My brother starts shit everytime he's over here with me and my dad so he can be the fucking perfect child. Then my dad pushes me away by telling me im ungratful, shitty, a brat, lazy, no good, useless and im sure other things. I bet if I could record my life that with in a week I'm told 6 our of 7 days Im basically Im useless. I never get a damn chance to say thank you for anything. By the time I get something Im being yelled at in the same moment for something else. You know I thought today I have 2 medicines I could take all the pills and drink all the liquid med. and show my dad how useless I am. How much shit I don't do. I prayed to God to rescue me from this pain. But then I thought I was taught love god and all this stuff and when you pray good things will come to you. Whats funny is I spent 8 years or so of my life to god...Tell me what good came out of it. I want to know why if there is a god am I being punished? What did I do? Why is this my life? I can't handle it anymore. I can't take it. Its to the point where I'm going to call Shiana and see if she can come get me and I'm going to move to Corpus with her. Thats like 6 or 7 hrs from here. I wouldn't have to worry with seeing my dad anymore cause I would be kicked out of the family and never allowed near this house again. And still though my dad says all the hateful things he does I love him. Though we never show it. I just can't take this anymore. I can feel my heart and it hurts. It wearing down and is about to give it up just as I am. I need help and and the one person today I wanted to listen to me (renee) laughed and was like I guess. I fucking listen to her give her advise and she laughs at me and says I guess....well fuck u too. Im gonna go I can't take this anymore. Maybe I'll be back to write.

I cry

Right now I am feeling down. I'm not sure whats to really cause of this. In my mind and I keep telling myself that its people being fake to me. The little things piss me off. I've found myself being blunt and people get pissed off. I find the people who are getting pissed are the ones who are blunt themselves. It doesn't make sense to me but oh well. Im tired of people being fake to me. Acting like they want me around. Fuck them.

Memories surround me and my ex-love

Tonight I went over to my ex-boyfriends apartment. Least thats what I call him and everyone else. I caught my self sitting like him or something. I still don't understand why me and him never got offically got together. I kinda figured if we had never went over to 3101 that me and him would still be together. Who knows. Thats what I keep telling myself. Tonight brought so many feelings that it was crazy. I wanted to kiss him. Hug him. Cuddle him. Sleep with him. But I can't. I'm sure I'll never have that chance with him ever again. Ashli asked me once. If Neil and Jonesy broke up and called me and said hey come over and lets have sex...would I? Without thinking or looking at the idea situation she brought up, I told her yes. I think honestly I would. Neil was my second love. Whether he knew it or not he was. I devoted 2 of my years to him. I did everything I could for him. He was my darkness. He was my light. I selfishly to it for granted. I figured me and him would one day be together. When me and him first started sleeping together I wanted to get pregnant. I like a lot of other stupid girls thought I could keep him that way. He told me that night we had sex for the first time that if he had ever gotten me pregnant we were getting married and he would help take care of the baby. I told him there was no way I would let him quit school. For him school was first. Renee told me the other day that she could see me and Neil getting married. Now that we have had our time appart. I don't see it, but yet I do. I wish I had never been selfish. But atleast I can look back and say he was mine for 2 years. 2 years that no one can rob me of ever. 2 years that were up and down. 2 years that were life changing.

Burning Ring of Fire

So today wasn't bad. I actually did things today. I cleaned up the room I was staying in while my room was worked on. Then since I was bring stuff into my room I had to set it on the floor till I could deal with it. Then I did and made my bed and by that time my dad arrived home. We had waterburger tonight. So I ate and then went to Renee's for a bit. Then went home. I rented "Longest Yard" tonight. I hope my dad doesn't get mad. At midnight the new version of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" is coming on. So I'm going to watch that. These last few day have not been really bad. I've done stuff around the house so my dad and I are okay for the moment. Love has yet walked into the door. But I continue to constantly think about Neil AND Waylon. Waylon was my first everything really. Neil was my second true love and I'll never forget him either. Both Waylon and Neil will always be in my heart. I hope I never forget them.

I still love you

Dear Missed Love, I was thinking today about how I still love you. I miss what we used to have. You can't say there was never anything. Those passionate nights we had between the sheets. The mornings we would sleep and have morning sex. So many great memeories that we share. Just sucks that we are apart now and on diffenent tracks in life. Im glad though here and there our tracks cross and we meet again. One time I thought that would never happened. I love you and I hope to have you again one day. Cari Louise

Here I am once again.....

"Seems like just yesterday You were a part of me I used to stand so tall I used to be so strong Your arms around me tight Everything, it felt so right Unbreakable, like nothinn' could go wrong Now I can't breathe No, I can't sleep I'm barely hanging on Here I am, once again I'm torn into pieces Can't deny it, can't pretend Just thought you were the one Broken up, deep inside But you won't get to see the tears I cry Behind these hazely eyes I told you everything Opened up and let you in Yo made me feel alright For once in my life Now all that's left of me Is what I pretend to be So together, but broken up inside 'Cause I can't breathe No I can't sleep I'm barely hanging on Here I am, once again I'm torn into pieces Can't deny it, can't pretend Just thought you were the one Broken up, deep inside But you won't get to see the tears I cry Behind these hazel eyes Swallow me then spit me out For hating you I blame myself Seeing you it kills me now No, I don't cry on the outside Anymore... Here I am, once again I'm torn into pieces Can't deny it, can't pretend Just thought you were the one Broken up, deep inside But you won't get to see the tears I cry Behind these hazel eyes Here I am, once again I'm torn into pieces Can't deny it, can't pretend Just thought you were the one Broken up, deep inside But you won't get to see the tears I cry Behind these hazel eyes" Nothing really to talk about tonight. Just had a short day and then went grocery shopping. Burnt some muffins and made a strawberry pie. Fixed hamburgers for supper. Other than that nothing has really bothered me today.

I hate people....

I hate people who like don't talk to me, but end up talking to my friends and like all trying to be buddy buddy with them. It pisses me the fuck off. I hate how people just fucking dump me for new friends. UGH I hate that shit. Thats all I have to post for now.

Just another Friday

It was just another Friday in my book. I wanted to go to Austin tonight, but I can't cause my dad has stuff to do tomorrow and I have to stay there to watch my mom. Sucks but I'll get over it. I really didn't do much. I finish doing what was done of the towels cause last night my dad had a cow because I didn't have the dishes done or the towels on the couch finished. So when I got in at 1 a.m. from Grahams I did the kitchen and a few towels. But ugh. He's been getting on my nervous. I hate when people do stuff for you and they act or tell you that you owe them for it. Ugh thats whats he's been doing. I just keep fight him about it. I've been watching Titanic all afternoon and I remember in Jr high I watched that movie like 14 times. My friend Crystal her brother at the time the movie came out worked at the movies and so at night he would sneek us in for free. YAY. It had me thinking though. The whole Jack and Rose thing. I wish I could meet someone and in like 3 days or whatever feel what her character felt for Jack and vise versa. But the way things are going now that won't happen. Renee and I were talking about our future weddings what we want and don't want. She is ten times closer to marriage than I am. Everyone around me it seems they are getting married or having kids. I'm like shit the way things are going now I'll never be married. I had a dream the other night that Brandon and I got married and we were happy with each other. We had like 5 kids. But a much as I wouldn't mind being with him. I know that would never be. But I think if I had the right people and I knew he wasn't' a player I think I have just as much chance as anyone else. But I'm not gonna do anymore than dream. Since Brandon came over here to that 1st party that we had and we slept together those few times....I haven't felt the way I do with him since Waylon. Thats only been three years ago. It feels longer than that. Well I'm gonna go take my dreams and wishes and go watch television. Hope everyone has a good night.